


its own depth

by carolinecrane



Category: Deadliest Catch RPF
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-09-30
Updated: 2010-09-30
Packaged: 2017-10-12 07:58:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,390
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/122661
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/carolinecrane/pseuds/carolinecrane
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Separation is always hardest on the person left behind.  Spoilers for 5x14, "Bitter Tears".</p>
            </blockquote>





	its own depth

He gets the call to come up to the wheelhouse after their last string of the run. It's never a good thing when Phil summons him upstairs; usually he's about to get chewed out for something, either fighting with his brother or running his mouth to the cameras when he should be paying attention to what's happening on deck. Josh can't think of anything he screwed up during this run, but he's still trying to come up with a good argument when he heads upstairs to face his old man.

"What's up?"

Phil exhales a white puff of smoke and lets out a sigh, and Josh feels his whole body tense up. That's the disappointed sigh, the one he's worked hard never to hear again. At least he thinks it is, but when Phil turns to face him, suddenly he's not so sure.

"I talked to Sig awhile ago."

"Yeah?" Josh says, mind racing as he tries to decide if he should be worried. It could be about anything; the trade they've been talking about for next season, maybe. If Sig decides he doesn't want to switch deckhands after all, Phil might figure Josh would be disappointed. And maybe he would be, a little, but it's not like he doesn't know it'll run more smoothly if his brother's around instead of his boyfriend. But Phil wouldn't call him up here at the end of a thirty-six hour shift just to tell him that, which means something bad happened.

"Jake's sister died. Sig sent him home, maybe for the season."

Josh doesn't have to ask which sister. He never met Chelsea; he's never met any of Jake's family, and he's not sure he's ever going to. They don't talk about it, but Josh has heard enough to know Jake doesn't talk to his parents about them. He's heard all about Chelsea, though, knows how much Jake loved her and how hard he tried to deny that she might not be there someday.

"Is he okay?" he asks, though he knows there's no answer to that. Phil doesn't know, because he wouldn't ask Sig the questions Josh needs to ask. He couldn't, not without telling Sig exactly why he cares so much, and that's never going to happen.

Phil shrugs and reaches for his smokes, lighting another cigarette and Josh bites his tongue to keep from lecturing him, because he knows he doesn't have any room to talk. Then again, he's not the one who almost died last year, and Josh is pretty sure he can guess exactly how not okay Jake is right now.

"Good as can be expected, I guess," Phil answers. "Sig didn't say much. Listen, we're heading in to offload, you can call and check in then. But after that you need to get your head back in the game, got it?"

"Don't worry about me," Josh answers, sounding a lot more sure than he feels. What he wants to do is get off the boat in St. Paul and catch the first flight home, drive up to Jake's folks' place and...get in the way, probably. Make things even harder for Jake, maybe. But he'd _be_ there, at least, and Jake would know he wanted to be.

~

It takes two days to get back to St. Paul. Another few hours to offload and get the boat in order for the next run, and he finally gets a chance to find a pay phone and dial the number tucked into his wallet. He doesn't call Jake's parents' house much; Jake's never told him not to or acted weird when he did, but Josh knows he hasn't told them anything about him. He told his sister, though -- that much Josh is almost sure of -- and it's enough to give him the courage to dial the number again.

An unfamiliar female voice answers the phone, and when Josh asks for Jake he hears a muffled conversation before someone else picks up. "Hello?"

"Hey."

"Hi," Jake says, and Josh can't tell if Jake's glad to hear his voice or not. There's a long pause on the line, and Josh knew he had something to say when he called, but now he can't remember any of the stuff he rehearsed. "You guys offloading?"

"Yeah," Josh answers, relief making his knees tremble when he realizes Jake's not going to make up an excuse to rush him off the phone. Not right away, anyway, and all Josh wants is a few minutes to make sure he's okay. "We're about done, so we're about to head back out. I just wanted to call...you know."

"Yeah. Thanks," Jake says, pausing again and it's stupid that it's this hard to say this stuff when Josh knows pretty much everything there is to know about Jake. "I'm trying to be strong for my folks, you know? It's just hard."

Jake's voice breaks a little and Josh hears him sniffle on the other end of the line. He doesn't know what to say to make him feel better, doesn't know how to deal with any of this stuff. When Phil was sick and Jake asked about him Josh mostly just changed the subject, but Jake's not like him. He talks about stuff, and it turns out he cries about it too.

He closes his eyes, forehead pressed against the cold glass of the phone booth to remind him where he is. Far away from Jake, where he can't _do_ anything and it makes him feel about as useless as he did when they didn't know what was going on with his dad.

"Sorry I'm stuck up here," he says, and it doesn't really mean anything, but it's true all the same.

"No," Jake says, and Josh pictures him shaking his head. "You gotta be there for your dad. Finish the season, you know?"

"Yeah, sure." He's right, just like Phil's right. He needs to keep his head in the game, because no matter what Jake's going through, there's a season to finish and they all know what can happen if you don't keep your head in the game. "So you think you'll be back this season?"

"I don't know, you know? My folks keep saying it's okay if I go, but my mom..."

He trails off, voice hitching again and Josh feels it in his chest. He wants to say something, but all he can think of is _I wish I'd met her_ , and saying that would probably make everything worse.

"Anyway," Jake says, sniffling again and Josh pictures him rubbing at puffy, red eyes, "Sig says he's not going to hire another guy to take my spot, so I've got a job whether I get back this season or not. The guys have been pretty cool about everything, you know?"

"Good," Josh says, and he doesn't add that if they weren't being cool they'd hear about it from him. Mostly because he'd never follow through, but partly because it wouldn't make Jake feel any better anyway. He doesn't need Josh fighting any battles for him, but that doesn't make it any easier to know that even Sig's helping more than Josh can. "Listen..."

"I should probably get back," Jake interrupts, and Josh isn't sure what he was going to say next, but it's probably just as well Jake didn't give him the chance.

"Okay," he says instead, then, "Yeah, me too. Phil's probably ready to blow a gasket anyway."

Jake laughs on the other end of the line, sounding more like himself just for a second, and Josh's chest tightens all over again. "So I'll call next time we're in town. If you're not back by then, I mean."

"Okay," Jake says, and later Josh will remember to be embarrassed about how relieved he is that Jake doesn't tell him not to bother. For now, though, he's just happy Jake wants to hear from him, even if he can't figure out the right thing to say.

"Take care of yourself, all right?"

"Yeah. Thanks," Jake answers, and when he doesn't hang up right away Josh lets himself believe that maybe Jake wishes Josh was there too. Then he says goodbye and the line clicks, and Josh listens to the dial tone for a few seconds before he hangs up the receiver and turns back toward the harbor.


End file.
